Lost in the loss
The past 48 hours, I had been in this foggy state of mind, effect of fever, a few doses of cold medicine and the shock of the sad news. I didn’t know how to process it. I was in disbelief.
I just got back from a big tango festival in Europe over Christmas, where I enjoyed the delicious variety of beers more than the dance and I had drunk more glasses of Leffe than tandas I had danced. I was planning to write to Andrea after the holiday, asking for their traveling schedule in 2012.
Up till the moment the El Tangauta news showed up on the FB update, I was actually checking flight to Istanbul for the festival in March, in which Javier and Andrea were scheduled to appear, trying to figure out how I could attend a trade show happening in Las Vagas the same week and show up in Istanbul for the weekend.
I had been planning my BsAs trip for 2012 and looking forward to studying with them privately again. When I posted a question a few weeks ago if I should choose tango between Europe and Buenos Aires, Andrea commented ” Buenos Aires Sin duda.”, which reminded me whenever I complained about not getting good tango in NY and the US, she always said half jokingly: “move here(Buenos Aires)”…
I had to stop logging in Facebook for now. Andrea’s photos kept showing up on the updates. Her students around the world (a lot from Asia) have been mourning. It has been really heart broken to read all those messages. I don’t know if any one who has not known her would understand that. I am not a religious or spiritual man, but now I think I could relate to some of the things religious or spiritual followers would do and feel, when their leaders pass away.
So many things had gone through my mind since. From the first time I saw her in person: my first milonga ever in Buenos Aires, dancing right behind Javier and Andrea, before I went for my first private lesson, to my last private class with her in Buenos Aires in 2010, till the last workshops I took with her at the festival of 2011, all those now invaluable advices she had given me… it has been a painful struggle, between trying to remember, to hold on, and trying to block out the memory so it causes no pain.
Guadalupe, her two year old daughter, is fine, out of the hospital and back home with the family. Her husband is out of critical condition and remains in hospital for now. All the other passengers involved in the car accident are doing well, according to the news. Life goes on and must go on for those who live.
For now, I am lost. My bridge to tango is abruptly gone. It is finally time for me to take a break from tango.
I will leave this site as it is for now even it costs to be hosted. I know that despite my sporadic posting in the last year or so, there are still on average 250 reads per day, many first time visitors. I still remembered my beginner years how I searched all over website for tango info. Hope my experience of the past five years could be some kind of reference to some one.
Last words (at least for a while) even sound like cliché: embrace your partner like you will never dance another tanda with her (or him) again. Tango is much easier than many teachers would teach you. In the end, what it matters, after days, years, what you would remember, is how it was to feel, to communicate with each other, in the embrace.







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